heart that rejoices

grasp

today, i’m thinking about the quote “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” by Robert Browning.

and i’m also thinking about some great piano music. in particular, i find myself humming Rachmaninov’s second piano concerto this morning. there are incredible beautiful lush melodies that sweep off the stage with timeless and desperate grandeur. the thing about piano as an instrument though is that once you strike a chord, you can’t crescendo- there’s only a way to sustain the intensity and the notes…and only for a short amount of time before they inevitably die. the way to intensify things on piano is to keep playing notes- keep moving. but this piece demands that every chord intensifies into the next- each of them feeling like an eternity.

and together, these two things remind me that i am, like a piano chord, ephemeral. and that grasping for God’s glory, grasping for God is the only worthwhile way to live. and maybe some of what we love about this very beloved piano concerto is that we all consciously or unconsciously identify with struggle, the longing for eternity within an instrument…body, that is limited.

so basically what i’m saying is that we upgrade to being organs in heaven. no, not really…but i want to keep trying to grasp that which but for grace would be beyond my reach, and keep worshiping with the limited body, time, everything that i am.

today i’m grateful to be a christian. to have a morning of quiet joy and contemplation.

ling ling

11 months ago

permalink

inception

i know what it is like to not be able to let go. to create worlds in your head, be like gods. to create people in your head the way you want them to be. who doesn’t fantasize about people? even when you fantasize asking that cute girl in school out and she says yes, aren’t you robbing her of her own identity? of the way she would move, consider, say yes or no?

i loved this movie. i loved that it was an intellectual experience…and they expected you to pay attention and to be fully invested. emotionally and intellectually. i loved that at the heart of this movie was a message about grieving. how to deal with loss, and the even greater challenges of letting go of guilt and realizing that your memories of someone..your fantasies…are not the truth.

he knew she was just a shade. that she was the best he could do. he missed her complexities. her perfections and her imperfections. he didn’t even want to see his children’s face in his fantasy world because they were not themselves, they were less of themselves by being more his own creation.

this movie is almost everything i have been learning about this summer. how to love and know people. how to love and know God. that our minds can only grasp a shade of God. how our expectations of people don’t let us appreciate their complexities, their imperfections, ..fully love them.

and in this movie, to wake up…to be in reality…they have to die. reality and truth come from death. and truth and death matter to the people in this film; they are so ready to “kill themselves” so they can wake up to truth. do I love truth that much? how much am I willing to die for it? how much would I give up to know truth?

I leave you with this quote from C.S. Lewis from “A Grief Observed” about the death of his wife.

“What pitiable cant to say, “She will live forever in my memory!” Live? That is exactly what she won’t do. you might as well think like the old Egyptians that you can keep the dead by embalming them. Will nothing persuade us that they are gone? What’s left? A corpse, a memory, and (in some versions) a ghost. All mockeries or horrors. Three more ways of spelling the word dead. It was H. I loved. As if I want to fall in love with my memory of her, an image in my own mind!”

somehow this movie, more than others, has shown a shade of true love.

ling ling

11 months ago

2 notes

permalink

gospel

yesterday night I told my parents the gospel

1 year ago

2 notes

permalink

attitude of gratitude

Today…

I am quietly thankful for a God who has been known to love and heal broken women. barren women. women who have squandered their lives, marriages, purity. I am thankful for a God who, in touching me is untouched by my flaws, crimes and dirt- but rather transforms me into His likeness. Thankful to have a God who discloses who He is, and then who I am, who changes me and my desires, and then fills and satisfies them.

I am thankful for Emmanuel…God with us.

Amen,
Ling Ling

1 year ago

permalink

semester recap

It has been a really long time since I have posted anything. It ended up being an incredibly busy semester- the best and worst I have yet to experience. At the beginning of this semester, I asked God for one meaningful conversation about Him or experience of Him with someone else everyday. I even started the semester with a travel journal..to document all the places He is taking me spiritually. I ended up not writing in it by the third week because instead of one meaningful conversation or experience..I would usually have 2-3! So let’s recap! This semester was about loving people. What does it mean to really love people? The Bible says that people shall know us by our love. What does this kind of love look like? So I decided to love people the way God loves me…(there are so many more, but these are the ones that were my focus this semester)

1) He is always available to me. No matter the hour. No matter how I got in this desolate state.
2) He listens to me. Infinite wisdom listens to me.
3) He enjoys me. Even though I think there is so little to enjoy about myself.
4) He perfects me in His perfect timing.

And so I gave my time to God- forget about practicing and studying. And I said…I will trust You in my schoolwork and in my violin playing. And I will be available to others. I will listen to them without trying to lecture them- without looking for spiritual openings every second. I will enjoy the treasure…the poems you have made these people. And I will trust You to perfect them without trying to change them myself.

And so I spent my days mostly with people. Laughing and loving in ways and depths I hadn’t thought myself capable. I listened out of true love, not Christian obligation or desire for their salvation. I enjoyed them without jealousy- enjoyed affirming and nourishing their creativity…their beauty, inside and out. And I didn’t worry about changing them, didn’t need to manipulate people to talk about God or seek Him. And I fell in love. with so…many…people. And I am vibrant. and alive. and I can only do these things because I know how much God loves me, enjoys me, listens to me, is changing me.

I still spend alot of nights crying. I still have trouble eating. I still want to throw up alot. But I don’t focus on these things anymore. The question I ask in my most desolate moments changed a few weeks ago. I now ask, “When will you heal me?” When. Which means that I believe I will be healed.

patience in His perfect provision,
Ling Ling

1 year ago

permalink

struggles (again)

this past week was so hard. it’s back…sleeplessness, the desire to hurt myself, the hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness.

“anxiety is a refusal to believe that God is taking care of you.”

Why did this week happen? I see ways in which you were glorified, I do. but…it didn’t feel like I could handle it at the time. and it still doesn’t. and I plead with you…have mercy on me. take care of me. please please..take care of me.

What you do, and how you take care of me doesn’t make sense to me right now. but Lord, I pray to believe and trust in your promise…that what you are doing, what you allow is for my good and Your glory.

amen.
Ling Ling

1 year ago

permalink

death

I have been thinking about death lately.

I used to be terrified of death. Mostly the death of my parents. Thinking about losing people I love still paralyzes me sometimes. But I have been thinking of death differently lately.

So many parts of me have died. Even as I heal, there are parts of me that have died and will not heal. Parts of me that I don’t think will ever come to life again. The absence is unsettling…but I know my lack will be glorifying to God somehow. someday.

Kreeft on Pascal says, ” There is one remaining bit of innate sanity in any age, however insane and decadent: the knowledge that we will die. It is wonderful how this one spot of sanity restores a true perspective to everything. Death turns your habitual perspective upside down—that is, really right side up. Tiny things, like economics and technology and politics, no longer loom large, and enormous things, like religion and morality, no longer seem thin and far away. In a word, death removes “vanity.” One of life’s biggest problems, death, solves an even bigger one, vanity.”

And so, I have been thinking of death as a gift. All falsehoods and trivialities instantly recede in the face of death. It explains the depth of people who have suffered…who have faced death.

I have been thinking about Moses and the Glory of the Lord:
Exodus 33:18-20

Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.” And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But”, he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”

and then I have been thinking about:
John 1:14

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

We have seen His glory. What Moses longed to see, we have seen fully. But it said that…”no one may see me and live.” And now, I understand. The necessity of my deaths.

John 11:25

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?

Yes. It doesn’t say “even if he dies.” It says, “even though he dies.” I live, even though I die.

It seems to me like I am losing everything that made me who I thought I was. We make labels for ourselves. We collect personality traits like sillybandz. They are all just fig leaves. And He is taking all of that away from me. But though I feel like He is taking away all the things that make me significant, I am wrong. He is taking away all the things that make me insignificant.

And so I understand that death in all contexts reveal truth. The parts of me that have died have done so to reveal truth. My true self, as He intended. And physical death too, reveals truth.

As C.S. Lewis says,
If there is a God, you are in a sense alone with him, you cannot put him off with speculations of your neighbors hypocrisy or memories of what you have read in books. What will all that chatter and hearsay count when the anesthetic fog we call the real world fades away and the divine presence in which you have always stood becomes palpable, immediate, and unavoidable..

ling ling

ps, sorry I know..this is kind of morbid. But it is honestly what I have been thinking about. it was also hard to articulate exactly how everything is connecting in my brain, so I hope it made sense.

1 year ago

permalink

covenant

one of the most incredible things about my summer has been the quartet that I had at the summer festival I went to. They are the most beautiful, restorative, and nourishing people I have ever met. I look up to them so much and ..sometimes I cry when I think about how beautiful they are. They don’t know how much they helped me through this summer…I was so quiet because I just wanted to take them all in. I don’t think they knew how much they helped heal me. How much they took care of me.

The piece we worked on too, was really incredible. God really blessed me with these people and this piece in my life at a really important time. And He used my whole quartet experience this summer to show me His love. here’s how:

I don’t know who reads this. And of those people, I don’t know who knows…but I had my heart broken pretty badly last year. I mean, the whole deal…not eating, not sleeping, hopelessness, depression, anguish..all that good stuff. for months. I have been so healed by God and so incredibly. And I know how much this is a little heartbreak compared to what other people go through. But it still hurt alot. I have no doubt that He is in control of everything- but I’m not going to lie. There is still so much pain sometimes. So much helplessness.

So one morning at camp, I log into my tumblr and read toni’s entry:

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

Genesis 9:12-16

And that was such a beautiful way to start my morning. I was so excited! The day kept going, and I ended up at my favorite place- quartet rehearsal. But that day was really tough. Everyone was being honest and demanding, and I just felt like such a disappointment to the rest of the people in my group. They didn’t intend to make me feel this way at all…I was just having a hard time already. That whole rehearsal I was struggling not to cry. We were rehearsing the 3rd movement of the piece..the slow movement which so exactly mirrors how I felt. How my heart had been broken. It starts with this kind of downcast melody in the cello, and the first violin comes in with this sighing gesture that comes back repeatedly. And there are moments of such helplessness, despair, and hopefulness in the piece. The climax of the movement happens around 4:37 of the video…it is the wedding march. But so dissonant and jarring. And it just reminded me of a wedding, a relationship that wasn’t happening anymore.

Needless to say, I was really sad after this rehearsal. I was a mess inside, and only vaguely remember Gerry dropping me off at my home. It was raining and gloomy outside…just the way I felt. I was late to dinner, but ran to the Indian restaurant to meet the others anyway. As soon as I stepped outside, my world was blown with the most incredible sunset. And I was just helpless. And crying. I have never seen a sunset like this one, and believe me. I collect sunsets. And while I was walking to the restaurant, I saw it. An enormous rainbow. Looming ahead and over me. And I remembered His covenant with me. Every time I turned a corner, I would look madly for the rainbow, craning my head backwards…my heart shaking because I was so afraid it wasn’t going to be there anymore. That He wasn’t going to be there anymore. But I would always find it…steady..and always in front of me.

” Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.”

-Isaiah 43:18

Thank you God that You do not leave me. That You don’t just stick around, but that you love me. That I matter to You. I’m significant to You. I have been abandoned by some of the best people I have ever met. Rightfully so. But I am known by You, all the morning breaths of my heart, and You still love me. Pursue me. It even says You yearn for me. And You showed me that day. I am barren, and I feel like a wasteland. But You are making streams in the wasteland, there is water in the desert. And my purpose is to give drink to Your people, so that they may praise You.

So many times this past year, this past summer…I clutch at myself, trying to be whole again…asking the air around me..who will love me now? And You answer..every. single. time.

thank You for loving me whole, fully and magically.

thank You for remembering me.

Ling Ling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-pPccruvU8 here is a video of the 3rd movement. 4:37 is the moment I referred to. but you should listen to all of it if you have time, because it is so wonderful.

1 year ago

1 notes

permalink

mass confusion

This isn’t what I wanted at all. This isn’t what I would ever have thought you wanted. In fact, it is so not what I want that I’m in a state of constant confusion. I almost want to be angry at other people..I want to ask them..what have you done to me? Do you see what’s happening to my life? Because I don’t trust that You know what You are doing. I don’t trust that I know what You want. I feel so empty of everything else, but I think it is because my heart is full for you. I have such peace throughout this complete lack of understanding. But my heart is aching from these new challenges. Aching in discovering just how much you can be enough for a person.

And I’m so anxious. Reading about social reform and seeing how other people are spending their lives in such tangible ways of healing…makes me feel so restless. I know I’ve been called to music. But I’m called to heal and love above everything else. To glorify you. How do they relate? Please show me how they relate. I love music, but I want nothing more than to love those deemed unloveable..by others and by me. I want nothing more than to heal brokenness that seems impossible to others and to myself.

1 year ago

permalink

schnittke

One of the most profound musical experiences of my life happened this past week; there was a performance of the Schnittke piano quintet by the Ying Quartet and Elinor Freer. Schnittke wrote the piece as a response to his mother’s death. Legend has it that she had a heart attack in the busy streets of Moscow and because she was dressed shabbily, no one helped her. She lay on the ground for hours as her heart slowly stopped beating while people passed by her and stepped over her.

The pianist is called to just pedal without playing notes on the keyboard a couple of times. This effect eerily sounds exactly like a heart pumping blood…slower and slower. The piece is incredibly dark but there is redemption. It isn’t indulgent. It ends with a beautiful looping melody, simple and hopeful.

After listening to this piece, I had to run outside during intermission and just cry. I mourned the death of his mother. And I mourned the deaths of those people who passed by her and stepped by her, for surely that kind of indifference is a kind of death. And I thought …how many people do I pass daily…whose hearts are beating slower and slower? Who are dying and need help? How many people do I step over in my self-focused endeavors? Maybe I’m not stepping over them and passing by them while they’re having a heart attack, but there are other kinds of death.

And I’m so thankful that I have a God who is compassionate. Who loves and pursues. To say I am shabbily dressed is a gross understatement. To say I was having a heart attack is not true, because I was already dead. But He doesn’t pass by, and He doesn’t step over. He loves loves loves and would choose to save everytime.

I want to be this way. I want to have opportunity and annointing to love people. Show me how to take care of your sheep, Father. I want to pursue these people, I want to see when and how they are slowly dying. I have the diagnosis, the medication, the sure surgery, the healing. Jesus Christ.

There are people here in Maine that I have absolutely fallen in love with. I didn’t think I would be able to love deeply anymore after having had heartbreak, but it scares me how attached and how in love with these people I am. I want to see them in relationships with the Lord and I want to be in meaningful relationships with them. I’m so thankful that the Lord is growing my capacity to love, and showing me how much He loves. And how recklessly He does so. Please pray for these relationships. Thank you

Ling Ling

1 year ago

permalink